title: To Dearest : I know you never meant to hurt me.But i always knew you were never serious about me. I have feelings you know. Either I'm a nutcase or I'm just blinded by love. I don't know how, i can love someone that hurt me so much, without even a slightest change of feeling. Yes, I'm unromantic, bossy, not Ms Perfect you always wanted me to be. Sorry, i can never pour out my feelings towards you, guess the only way i can express myself is through writing. My biggest fear is losing you. You know that. I dread the day it arrives. It turns out, that day is today. But no. It's okay, I'll face my fear. The first day i saw you, you look like an angel that drop off the sky. Bright. Jubilant. Sparkly. New. Pure. I never knew someone so Perfect existed. I know it'll take a while for me to forget you. A love this strong, probably another year and a half or two. More than that, and I'll swear I'll go to the psychiatrist that I've always wanted to go. How come everybody's first love is so perfect. How come not mine? Maybe i chose the wrong guy. Maybe i suck as a girlfriend. Maybe i'm just too stuck up. I still had your picture though. I kept it under my pillow. it's the first thing i look in the morning, and the last at night. The sight of you, is the only thing that keeps me going everyday, even if you're away. I guess I'll just throw away that habit. I know la, you model, SP ambassador, got big house here there everywhere, soon to be pilot. Who the heck am i anyway? Just some god damn simple girl next door who loves watching discovery channel and read national geographic magazines, with no fashion sense. Only got pretty face but body of an African child suffering from osteoporosis and malnutrition, on the verge of death. Fine i get it. you deserve a hot ass Italian super model. If our heart is ever detachable from our body, mine probably look as if it got chewed on by a dog and ran through by a truck. 18 stitches won't improve the sight of it either. Why would i be anything of a value of someone so up there? Fuck my life. All i wanted is someone who can take care of me. Show me the value of life. Motivate me in times of hardship. Be faithful. And just, love me. I love you a lot. Just take care of yourself. I know it's impossible to find someone like you again. I'll always pray for you. I hope you find someone you can really treasure, and you take care of her. She must be one lucky girl.
I think, I'll just try my luck with hu-ha. Who knows, he might be the kind of guy for me. Even though he is not that good looking. He seems to be the only one that seriously cares for me right now. Motivates me, and change me for the better. Hopefully, he can make me forget him, and bring me back all the happiness that i use to have last year. It's been a while since i've been sincerely happy. Never knew a person with a heart of gold before. So far, i've only seen guys with black ones. Naaaadiraa. Must stop crying! Don't know what to do to move onnnn. When you walk away I count how many steps you take As you leave my life forever. When you turn away from me I lose sight of the face I Once thought was in my life forever. When you don't speak to me My heart breaks since I miss the way your voice sounded When I assumed you were mine forever. When you leave my heart The pieces of my broken heart Are missing you so. When you're gone forever You leave heartbreak in your wake. I never thought it'd hurt that much When you left. Days seem likes years without you. I need you when I cry Even though I never thought you will ever come. You're out of my life forever. You've left me with severe heartbreak. And the sore truth is..... I still love you. |
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title: ; Being a Nerdsaurus. |
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title: Perfection. The purpose of me having this blog is just to upload my thoughts. If i don't, i can't sleep. Yes like now. There are two types of people in this world, the introverts and the extroverts. Obviously, I'm an introvert. If there's two words to describe me, that'll be : Silent and Anti Social. So what's bothering me tonight, till i can't get some shut eye? Perfection. I have to admit. I'm just a bad ass perfectionist. There is nothing in my room that is wrong. Everything is perfect. Every nook and cranny is clean. Book organized according to size. Not a single speck of eraser dust on my table. The only place i could ever study is a place that is absolutely silent, extremely clean and clear and fresh air. Anything other than that, is a no-no. Anything moved or placed in my room without my knowledge gets tongue lashed by me. I get very very upset if i fail any subject or test. Simply, I'll put it this way. Do i sound like a crazy psycho perfectionist to you? I can't even stand a single pen mark on my bag. -.- I've gone to wiki and search about my condition. I'm a neurotic perfectionist. People who are unable to accept satisfaction because in their own eyes they never seem to do things well enough to warrant that feeling of satisfaction. Yes. I am never satisfied of anything. Never. This includes partners. The truth is, no guy can't stay in good terms with me for at least one month. Well, expect for one. (Either I'm a nut case or he is... ) Whenever i go on a date, a crinkle on a guys shirt makes me cringe. He's ability to talk to me matters. If he's some guy with thick Malay accent who is not fluent in English turns me off. & now, i found a perfect guy with a body of a sex god, a brain of a genius, communicated in nerd, disgustingly loaded, mastered the way to keep me speechless and ?I'm still not satisfied. The truth is, women never know what they want. What more teenage girls, where they get stuck in between childhood and maturity. Confused whether to follow their developed instincts and hesitate because of their lack of experience. & what's wrong with me? I'm jealous of the Perfect man I love, that he is better than me in every aspect. And here i am, desperately trying to be the perfect girl that is up to his standards. A perfect girl, can cook well, does great gardening, caring, beautiful, intelligent, sociable, responsible .... now, my aspiration is to be one. Don't say i didn't try. I planted daisy seeds on a pot, and died two weeks later. I tried cooking pau, and it turned black as soot. I'm not beautiful, I'm just pleasant. I tried to be sociable and people thought I'm on ecstasy. I try to be caring, but it's too fake. It shows through my face. I try to be romantic, the only thing i can think of is... well hmm errrms i don't know. & the true reason i never wear dress is I'm thin as a surfboard and damn i hate to say this, I'm not Pamela Anderson. You don't get it. Fine. Breast. Even though I'll have a breast implants and botox, I'll still never be perfect. I just want a guy who loves me for who i am, even though I'm like Keira Knightly with that skeletal frame of hers and that A cup bust size. Period. Darn. I wish i wasn't Virgo. Perfection never existed, it's just my psychological way of thinking that i instill myself with ever since i was young. I wish i have the sense of satisfaction in me. Nadira, just face it. Nothing is perfect. ( Except God that is. ) Either youre lying about your feelings , love. Or it's as good as it gets. |
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